What Do I Mean When I Call Myself GAD Girl?
Ok..... Well, let's see if I can make you understand. It's something that, unless you deal with it, you will never get, but I'm going to see if I can't describe it for you.
Lay down. It's time to sleep. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. A lot of things to do and accomplish. Time to rest. Time to sleep and recharge. Close your eyes and slow your breathing down. Quiet now. Quiet....................................................
AWWWW HELL NO!!!!
You are wide awake. Your brain refuses to shut the hell up! All of a sudden you are wide awake. Laying in your bed wide fucking awake. No matter how hard you try, there is no stopping the relentless onslaught of worries about anything and everything you are dealing with in your life. You play a million scenarios of things that have happened over and over and over and over and over and OVER again in your minds eye. You try to shift your thought to pleasant images and relax, and that lasts for all of a nano second before you are, once again, worrying and obsessing over the tiniest detail of your life. Worrying about what will happen tomorrow. However, this isn't an occasional or one time thing. You can't even begin to think back to a night you were able to go to bed and get to sleep without any kind of worry or anxiety. Unless, you were black out fucking drunk.
NOW.... Here's the thing. It doesn't happen only at bed time. It happens all the time. Regardless of the time of day. Day in and day out, you suffer from relentless worry, obsession and anxiety over the smallest and largest of things. People continuously tell you over and over again not to worry. Relax. It will all be fine. But your brain refuses to listen.
This is GAD. Otherwise know as Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
All of us worry about things like health, family, or money problems. But people with Generalized Anxiety Disorder become extremely worried about these and many other things. Even when there is little or no reason to worry about them. We are very anxious about just getting through the day. And at times GAD can keep us from doing everyday tasks.
People with GAD can't seem to get rid of their concerns, even though they realize that their anxiety is much more intense than the situation warrants. This is what I deal with on a daily, hourly, or even down to any second.
Some of the physical symptoms that I deal with on a daily basis can consist of, but might not be limited to, the following:
- Inability to relax
- Startle easily (this is a biggie for me)\
- Trouble falling asleep
- Trouble staying asleep
- Nausea and/or bouts of diarrhea
- Muscle twitching
- Lightheadedness
- Visibly shaking as if cold (another biggie for me in times of immense stress)
Let me put it this way, think of a time in which your were so anxious about something that it made you physically ill. If you can think of a time where you felt this way, you can, maybe, understand what I deal with on pretty much a daily basis. To be honest, I don't always feel sick. But there is always an underlying something running in the background of my mind that is turned on, so to speak. I can't turn it off. The anxiety, the worry, and the obsession is always in the white noise of my brain. Nothing takes it away completely. Except maybe alcohol, drugs and/or sex. Even when I am seemingly calm, believe me, baby, I'm not. It's there. An undercurrent ready to rip through at any moment and put me in a complete panic attack.
Oh.....And don't even get me started on going into unknown situations. Especially if there's a bunch of people that I don't know. That is a whole other fucking story of it's own!!!
So, now you know all about me. The GAD Girl.
I am starting this blog, because I am on a journey right now. One that I have needed to go on for a very long time. I have had to begin down a road that I am very scared to go down. But, maybe it's a good thing. Maybe, I can find a way to have some modicum of peace in my life. So, this blog is a journal of my long road to recovery from GAD. If there is such a thing.
So, the first step......
Let go, and let God.
Well, actually that's not the first step. I gotta find Him first.
I got lost a long time ago.
*K
